Thoughts on worship

Let's move on from that last blog post. . . .can I have a mulligan? Probably shouldn't have glorified that event like I did. Sheesh, I'm pretty wretched sometimes. And this post will be no different. Buckle up.

Some stuff transpired on Sunday in our church service that has set off a wild set of events in my head. Basically, while attending a church meeting (awesome) after the service, I had a case of verbal diarhea, spewing forth months (and years) worth of pent up frustration and anger. And I now am left with the "what now" in the wake of it. The meeting had to do with the worship service that I've been leading worship at. And, as is the case with Christ, He seems to take great pleasure in using all events to teach and instruct, and help them to get to the bottom of where our hearts are now.

I was going on 4 and a half hours of sleep yesterday evening while driving to the grocery store up the hill. I got in the car, started it, turned left onto Meyer to settle in for my 25 second drive - and a thought occured to me.

"Hey, you know what would be great? A Christian American Idol!!"

And then, in the next 25 seconds, it played out in my head, and I have it all planned out. Here's a sample script:

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"Live, from COLORADO SPRINGS! It's AMERICAN CHRISTIAN IDOL!!!" (crowd made up of mostly youth group girls goes crazy)
"Tonight, we have our two FINALISTS in the running to see who rocks the hardest, sings the purest, and praises the holiest!! (crowd goes crazy) The winner gets a recording contract worth $500.00 and a gift certificate to Family Christian Stores! (crowd goes crazy).

"Let's meet our Finalists!! First Darrell Evans! (crowd goes wild)"

Host: "Darrell, you've been a worship leader for a long time, how do you feel to be a finalist in American Worship Idol?"
Darrell: "I feel great, although, makeup takes a bit longer than normal when you're on Faith TV."
Host: "Don't I know it! Darrell, what will you be performing tonight?"
Darrell: I'm going to play my song "Trading My Sorrows."
Host: "And what's it about?"
Darrell: "It's actually about taking my sorrows and trading them."
Host: "Wow, I can't wait. Folks, here's Darrell Evans."
(sings the song)
Host: "Yes Lord, Yes Lord, Yes Yes LORD! Darrell Evans!! Let's see what the judges had to say!"

Judge 1 - Jim Smith, a youth paztor (spelled with a z): "whooaaa dawg, you had this crowd PUMPED (crowd cheers). I loved your stage presence, and you really did a nice job with your E minor chords. Props!" (crowd cheers)
Judge 2 - Chris Chen, pastor's wife: "I just think you are terrific. Praise the Lord!" (crowd cheers)
Judge 3 - Lymon Scowl, BIG TIME worship music producer/judge from the UK: (in his british accent) "Look, when we started the competition, we wanted to see who was the best person at leading Christians into worship. And so we were looking for someone who was A) Good looking, B) Talented, and C) is a Christian. You are definitely a Christian and are talented, but I just don't know about your looks. (crowd boos) LOOK, I'm just being honest like the bible says. . . .

Host: "Ok, time for contestent #2 - CHRIS TOMLIN!! (crowd goes double crazy). Hey Chris, how do you feel right now?"
Chris: "I feel like, you know, awesome!"
Host: "haha - WOW! And how has this experience been?"
Chris: "It's been just awesome. I mean, the crowds are awesome (cheers), and the food is awesome."
Host: "You bet! Awesome! AWESOME! What song are you going to sing?"
Chris: "It's a song called "how great is our God". In it, I pose a question: How great is our God? Hopefully, the audience knows just how great."
Host: "Wow, a worship song with a question? Are we ready? Here's Chris!"
(plays the song)

Host: "And let's see what the judges said!"

Judge 1 - "Wow Dawg, you were unchained tonight in your reverence. . . .AND your rockability. Great usage of the hand raising in the middle of the song. I love the gucci shades! You are the complete worship leader package. For my money, you're my American Christian Idol."
Chris: "Wow, thanks."
Judge 2 - "You are so hot. I mean, I love my husband, but ooooh man, I could just"
Host: "Ok, and 3rd judge?"
Judge 3 - "Let's see. You're a Christian, talented, and are so good looking. It's that simple - you're the winner".

Host: "Let's see what America said in their voting. It's Chris - he's the winner! America has voted - and the worship that Chris plays is actually BETTER than EVERYONE ELSE'S!! He wins the $500.00 recording contract and the Family Christian stores gift certificate!"

Darrell: "But that's not what worship is..."
Host: "Sit down, 2nd place, when Chris sings it, God is more blessed - and so are Americans!!"
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It's destined to be an instant hit.

I think what it really gets at in me is a real weariness of what worship is "supposed to be." For 18 months, I've led worship for a tiny service at a big church. People did come and did worship, but it certainly hasn't looked like I hoped. We put together a service in hopes that we'd reach out to a new generation. We want community, we want to see the Gospel lived out. We want to live as a Kingdom outpost here as a "City within a city". We desire "kingdom living". What we have:

-a church service
-performing
-just "pulling it off" each week in hopes of higher numbers.

Sad. And I point the finger at myself first. But here's what I'm tired of;

The ideal "American worship experience." I've been caught in that bullshit trap for way too long. When people my age talk to each other about church, often one of the first things asked is "how's the worship?" How's the worship? Or, translated, how's the band? Are they cool? Are they still playing lame old songs? How's the drummer? Are the singers really good? Do a lot of people already go to the church? Is it exciting?

To think that I have any responsibility over the heart of another Christian is crap - but yet I've lived that way, beating myself up over low attendance, feeling embarrassed on the sundays that were particularly sparse. Sunday after Sunday, arriving to lead music for a group of people who much of the time are mouthing the words, staring at their feet, or the screen, or whatever. And no, I'm not blaming the people that are showing up. But I think it's time to realize that when churches are exploding with growth amongst 20's and 30's, and others aren't, there's a religious "vendor war" going on out there, and for whatever reason, our service hasn't provided the right goods and services.

Jesus forgive me for believing this crap. Forgive me for being caught up into this version of church, more than into You.

No, I never ever ever ever expected to be some big hot-shot worship leader. No, I don't want to play at the passion conferences. I wanted to see more people worship Christ. But instead I saw myself slip into a rut of performance, turning my sabbath days into days wallowing in my shame. "Maybe I'll do better next week." Bullshit.

I'm tired, pissed. It's nobody's fault for the condition of my heart but my own. It's not a heart that cries out: "Jesus, I need you for who you are."