I am at the dubious point in life where one's youth begins to be called into question. I have a good friend who has a bum hip. I have a friend who is worth millions. I have friends who have traveled to Asia, Europe, the Middle East (currently), AND Kansas City within the past 5 years. I am unable to sleep past 7:00 AM anymore. And yet, I am not in my 60's. I am 27. And my 10 year high school reunion is arriving soon. Yes, I truly am getting old.
And so I sit and think about my high school "career." Let me paint a picture in your mind:
A five foot, eleven inch dude with a hairstyle that screams "who cares?!" and a belly that screams "more cereal!!" A trombone case in his hand. A backpack slung over one shoulder. Determination in his eyes, and love in his heart.
High school. Sigh. . . .now that we've established that not much has changed since high school, let's move on.
My sister Annie has recently seen several of her old classmates - not anyone who was super close to her in school, but acquaintances/friends nonetheless. And I've started wondering where people are at. Who's successful? Who lives with their parents and plays video games in the basement all day? Did Jimmy marry Sally? Yes! And they got divorced! Great!
But where am I at? Since high school, where have I come from? Perhaps it's the end of the year that draws out the small degree of introspection that I have. Perhaps it's the fact that I have a four year old son now (no longer a baby, wow). Perhaps it's the death of a church service that meant more to me than I think even I know, and it hurts. Regardless, it's time to begin taking stock of life. Grown up? Me? I have no idea what that means.
I have no real career path which makes me wonder if I ever will. I have no real idea of what I'm capable of in life. I can't imagine what that would feel like - acquiring a skill that you are proud of. I have no idea what I'm good at in other words. And it doesn't help seeing everyone I know being an overachiever, or living dreams.
I have an amazing family life at home. THAT, at least, I know I can do well.
I have gone through highs and lows with Christ and am finding that right now, I am not at a high point. In the last of our worship services today, I could only find myself praying: "God, where are you? I don't know how to pray right now. I don't know how to repent for where I'm at." I'm burned out.
So who am I? And where do I go from here? I'm not who I want to be in so many ways. But, I'm breaking, and that's probably a good thing.
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2 comments:
Usually when you can't figure out what you're good at, it means you're good at pretty much everything. This is true with you. I mean, I can think of a lot more things you're good at besides T-Rexing...
Seriously, though, doing what you're doing--providing for your fam, being a husband and a dad--these are the things that characterize your "path". And what a wonderful path to be on, bro! But, wow, will we ever grow up? Can we be grown-ups? Will we ever see ourselves as grown-ups? Doubt it!!
Anyway, I feel hope and peace and joy for you, for whatever it's worth. You are not Jimmy and Ashley is not Sally! Booya! And you have passion, and the world is big, and if your world feels small or unclear right now, God is big and clear (Ok, I don't know about the clear part), but he is huge, and somewhere in that immensity, he has a freaking sweet plan for you that you're already living!
Take pride in the fact that you are a wonderful dad, not that many people are so great at it. That you have an amazing family life at home shows you value what is truly important. We can't wait to see you!
-Zak and Devon "bum hip" Klauck
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