Thoughts on questions

At a certain point in one's blog "career" (probably after your profile gets 250 views. . . .even if 189 of them are yourself checking how many people have checked your profile. . .but I digress), you go back through your posts from beginning until present time; taking stock of where you've come from. My faithful blog readers, it has been some kind of journey throughout the months. We've shared laughs, tears, and comments. I feel like I am now more popular because of the blog. And that, friends, is the reason I do it. What better way on this Christmas to reflect on my blogging history. . . .

I took a trip down memory lane. I traveled far back. . .to earlier in 2007. Okay, I haven't blogged for too long. But, I have done enough to know that my heart isn't consistent from post to post. I'm not that "steady" guy who proceeds through life with caution, guarding his heart from the ups and downs that come daily. Instead, my mood seems to change from post to post. One moment, I sound like a DJ from the local Christian radio station: "you know, God is awesome. Amen? Let's listen to some more positive music. . . here's mac powell. . . .". The next moment, I might make people feel like they feel after watching Life is Beautiful, Old Yeller, or worse - a full episode of According to Jim. Depressing.

I admit, I am a maze of emotion - even if it shows very little outwardly. In my heart, I alternately feel like a 15 year old kid who has no idea who he is; and a confident man who knows who he is in Christ, ready to turn the world upside down with hope. Much of the time, it seems to me like everyone else has it more together than I do; yet at the same time, I catch myself judging - finding it so easy to think how much better I am at life than others. It's total bullcrap, no doubt. I'm double minded - so no doubt that Paul wrote that he doesn't do what he wants to do, he does what he doesn't want to do. I also have recently caught myself thinking that if there are two really fat people that sit net to each other on an airplane, will it throw us off course? Probably. . . but that's wicked.

But, besides my wild mood swings, crazy thoughts, and my self analyzing, boredom-inducing writing style, I noticed a larger trend. My thinking has steadily grown consistently darker, consistently less hopeful, and consistently less about the Kingdom - more about me. Even if that hasn't shown outwardly (for instance, if you haven't noticed), I feel it. And I am tempted to believe that that darkened state of mind is about me not doing something right. Have I sinned in some way, thus throwing me into a spiral downward? Have I shamed the Lord? Have I lost His favor, thereby throwing me into a valley of darker thoughts? Do I need to support more of this Christianese culture in order to gain God's approval? Sounds like a stupid question - but it does cross my mind.

Nothing can separate us from the love of Christ - I believe that with all of my heart. So what else can it be?

Could it be that I've seen glimpses of the religious system I subscribe to that are less than perfect? Could I be learning that Christian life truly isn't "positive and encouraging" all of the time? Could I be right in the palm of His hand, even now? Could He be the one leading me this direction?

So I question, I ponder, I reflect, and I celebrate this Christmastime. Because despite my darkened state of mind toward some things, I love the Lord Jesus. And without this day, there'd be truly no hope.

Merry Christmas everyone. I love you all dearly - you're truly all gifts to me.