Thoughts on my 20's

Here I sit, in Kansas City. It's a beautiful summer evening, my boys are sleeping, and Ashley is out with a friend celebrating that friend's new engaged-ness. (what the heck is that word?) I sit and type - feeling the soothing Apple potion rushing through my fingertips, along my arms, AND INTO MY SOUL. I am blogging. I am retarted.

I am poised on the edge of a job change - tomorrow is my final day at Midland Loan Services. To type "Midland Loan Services" evokes in me such a depressing feeling, I can't fully express it. I was a low-level cubicle dweller at a company that houses 500+ nondescript individuals. I'd venture to guess that 90% of them do not enjoy their jobs, complain about it under their breath, and then go about their days counting minutes until they are off. I was part of that 90%. After all, it's hard to enjoy a job that I can't even explain to people.

"What do you do Jeremy?"
"I, uh. . . .work for a bank."
"Do you like it?"
"uh. . . .it's really stable."

Sheesh. I guess I leave Midland with some resentment. It's nothing inherently about the company as much as it is that I know I'm not meant to work in a cube, and yet I've done that for over 5 years of my married life. Midland was not for me, and me not for it. Consequently, the past 6 months have seen a steady decline in my self-esteem, my energy, and have seen a rise of dread in my spirit. I leave feeling like I've gained very little, to nothing, in terms of knowledge. I plucked away on a keyboard. Practical skills? Nothing, or so it seems right now. I guess my 10-key skills have never been better.

And so the question again arises in me - what is this life all about?

I'm 27 - the prime of life. I have a beautiful family, a beautiful home, drive a minivan (proudly - we just got new tires), and have every luxury I could ever want in the world. But I've been generally very unhappy in my occupations throughout my life. Paychecks are nice - some are nicer than others - but the most unhappy I ever was was when I made the most money.

I'm 27, without a career, about to embark on working construction in the hottest month of the year. God, where are you in this?

I watch my wife's budding photography business coming to life - her shining as she takes pictures, meets with clients, and delivers really great work to them. I am so very proud of her. She is alive when she takes pictures - when she meets with people - when she does good work. Ashley lives so winsomely, she draws me into more of that just by being who she is. It's an adventure to behold.

I watch my friends Tim and Krysten embarking on a 2 year trek to Kuwait. At first glance, it seems like a punishment, not an blessing. But dig deeper - they are going to live cross-culturally, teaching, living adventure as it comes to them.

I watch Devon and Zak move from small-town northern Colorado and take up residence in Queens, NY. Zak works in Manhattan doing graphic design; Devon has spent a year teaching in the inner-city. It's dangerous, but she's always said the kids have great minds. Yes. . . .Dangerous Minds. They're living adventure in the city.

I watch Jerome's heart begin to beat faster when he talks about songwriting. To hear Jerome sing is something that might change your life. He's that good. Adventure.

I watch my sister who is moving to Nashville to pursue a career as a backup singer. Who needs fame and glory? She just wants the "doo wop" and the "oooohs". Adventure.

And in all this I feel a bit tossed about. "Career talk" has always been a bit like falling into the open sea. And I need firm ground to stand on in all this. I yearn for clarity.

So I rest on Christ in this.