Thoughts on my 20's

Here I sit, in Kansas City. It's a beautiful summer evening, my boys are sleeping, and Ashley is out with a friend celebrating that friend's new engaged-ness. (what the heck is that word?) I sit and type - feeling the soothing Apple potion rushing through my fingertips, along my arms, AND INTO MY SOUL. I am blogging. I am retarted.

I am poised on the edge of a job change - tomorrow is my final day at Midland Loan Services. To type "Midland Loan Services" evokes in me such a depressing feeling, I can't fully express it. I was a low-level cubicle dweller at a company that houses 500+ nondescript individuals. I'd venture to guess that 90% of them do not enjoy their jobs, complain about it under their breath, and then go about their days counting minutes until they are off. I was part of that 90%. After all, it's hard to enjoy a job that I can't even explain to people.

"What do you do Jeremy?"
"I, uh. . . .work for a bank."
"Do you like it?"
"uh. . . .it's really stable."

Sheesh. I guess I leave Midland with some resentment. It's nothing inherently about the company as much as it is that I know I'm not meant to work in a cube, and yet I've done that for over 5 years of my married life. Midland was not for me, and me not for it. Consequently, the past 6 months have seen a steady decline in my self-esteem, my energy, and have seen a rise of dread in my spirit. I leave feeling like I've gained very little, to nothing, in terms of knowledge. I plucked away on a keyboard. Practical skills? Nothing, or so it seems right now. I guess my 10-key skills have never been better.

And so the question again arises in me - what is this life all about?

I'm 27 - the prime of life. I have a beautiful family, a beautiful home, drive a minivan (proudly - we just got new tires), and have every luxury I could ever want in the world. But I've been generally very unhappy in my occupations throughout my life. Paychecks are nice - some are nicer than others - but the most unhappy I ever was was when I made the most money.

I'm 27, without a career, about to embark on working construction in the hottest month of the year. God, where are you in this?

I watch my wife's budding photography business coming to life - her shining as she takes pictures, meets with clients, and delivers really great work to them. I am so very proud of her. She is alive when she takes pictures - when she meets with people - when she does good work. Ashley lives so winsomely, she draws me into more of that just by being who she is. It's an adventure to behold.

I watch my friends Tim and Krysten embarking on a 2 year trek to Kuwait. At first glance, it seems like a punishment, not an blessing. But dig deeper - they are going to live cross-culturally, teaching, living adventure as it comes to them.

I watch Devon and Zak move from small-town northern Colorado and take up residence in Queens, NY. Zak works in Manhattan doing graphic design; Devon has spent a year teaching in the inner-city. It's dangerous, but she's always said the kids have great minds. Yes. . . .Dangerous Minds. They're living adventure in the city.

I watch Jerome's heart begin to beat faster when he talks about songwriting. To hear Jerome sing is something that might change your life. He's that good. Adventure.

I watch my sister who is moving to Nashville to pursue a career as a backup singer. Who needs fame and glory? She just wants the "doo wop" and the "oooohs". Adventure.

And in all this I feel a bit tossed about. "Career talk" has always been a bit like falling into the open sea. And I need firm ground to stand on in all this. I yearn for clarity.

So I rest on Christ in this.

Thoughts on Communion

I've been a Christian since I was seven. I went through a "non-radical" conversion experience, praying with my Dad on the top bunk in San Jose, CA with my sister Annie (who, at this point, is the only person who has ever commented on my blog – Annie, if you have ever met her, is incredibly cool – far more so than me). I've been a "church-goer" all of my life; typically, I've been a "do-gooder" (some will dispute this – they're liars) - I know the Bible okay, lead worship and generally lead a small church service, I pay taxes, am faithful to my wife, love my family, don't embezzle funds from work, and am a good friend to those who want me as their friend.

Yet as I've grown as a man, grown in Christ, grown in knowledge – I'm finding again just how much I don't know.

The sacrament of communion is something that I have always had a pretty hard time understanding. Not cognitively understanding, mind you, but spiritually and emotionally understanding. How does one identify with communion? Body and blood, bread and wine, crackers and juice, whatever – what does it all mean? I've heard Dad say the words of institution before communion probably 200+ times in my life. "…for as often as you eat this bread, and drink this cup, you proclaim the Lord's death until His return".

And I can understand the theology behind it. We remember Christ's death for us – that His body was broken, that His blood was shed – but that ultimately, He rose from death so that all that trust Him might live with Him and through Him forever. The words aren't hard to grasp for me – this has been taught to me since a very young age. But, am I missing something else? After all, communion for most is a very somber time – tears, kneeling, worship. I have never doubted people's hearts surrounding communion times and don't at all judge them – this is simply to say that I have personally always wanted to connect the "head" with the "heart" like it appears that they have. After all, shouldn't the reminder of Christ's death and resurrection be the best news? Shouldn't I, at the very mention of this, fall on my face in worship? If God is real, and if the Bible is His word like I proclaim it is – then shouldn't the truth of the Gospel drive me to my knees? God's grace should never be taken lightly – and I have never meant to take it that way. But only He can illuminate this to my heart.

Leading worship can also (unfortunately) become mundane. Church becomes about church and the "process" of pulling the service off. Ministry, as Crawford LaRitz has spoken, is not about "nickels and noses", it's about intimacy with God. And who should understand that more deeply than the worship leader? Surely the worship leader must get it, right? The guy that has his eyes closed up front? He must really have it together. Let me tell you firmly, I do not.

My mind was swimming with worry – we had 3 out of the 5 "regular" worship band members tell me they couldn't come (including 2 that could be on their way out of it because of stuff unrelated to church – at least for a couple months) which filled my mind with worry about the future of our group; we had what seemed like 4 people at 4:58 which also filled my mind with worry about the stability of the service; we had little boys running all over the place playing before the service which caused some worry; and "performing" music in front of people, by nature, brings out worry in me. The worry built like a symphony of white noise, driving me into a shell where I could function but in a machine-like way.

But, isn't it like the Holy Spirit to calm those storms, even in the midst of my unbelief? My friend Jerome and his wife Jane sat in with us to help us lead worship. And as my dear friend sang "Carried to the Table", it became apparent – this is what communion is about. And the white noise died, God showed up, and subtly showed me a new depth of His love.

I was carried to the table, seated where I don't belong
Carried to the table - swept away by His love
And I don't see my brokenness anymore
When I'm seated at the table of the Lord
I'm carried to the table - the table of the Lord

"Church" faded away. Truth illuminated itself. And as I looked out at the congregation singing, listening, meeting with the Lord, it struck me more deeply: He carries us to His table in community. The people of God, the bride of Christ – saved, rescued, freed, by Him and for Him. Communion is so much more than just remembering Christ's work done for me. It's the paramount work of our Savior for all mankind – He did this for everyone. To my shame, I get so self-focused that it's about me and His saving of me from my sin. He does save me, but my Savior is so much bigger than that.

We're carried to the table – seated where we don't belong – together, with Christ, for eternity. Our Savior, the great Hero of the story, has carried us all there – broken, messed up, lonely, hurting people – seated together in community, with Christ at the head of the table – forever.

Communion reminds me of His death and resurrection.
Communion binds us together in Him.
Communion fuels our future hope.
Communion restores broken relationships.
Communion restores strength today.


And it drives me to worship.

Thoughts on blogs

I know the question on everyone's mind. Have I ever fancied myself a blogger?

Never.

So, the question begs to be asked: Jeremy, why? (This will, in fact, become the most thought of phrase while reading my blog - it's a guarantee)

Perhaps it's my attempt at being trendy. You all know that I will fail miserably at that. I have never bought even a trinket at Urban Outfitters. I have a super trendy wardrobe from Old Navy. Sweet sweetness.

Perhaps it's my attempt at cultivating "friendships". Yes, the comments I receive will be life changing and deeply formative in my relationship with everyone. No, let's face it, blogs do nothing to further friendships really, besides letting one person read articles by another - while taking up time that could be spent chatting with that friend and thereby cultivating the friendship. (it's like text messaging - why text when you could just talk? IDK. . . .LOL)

I think the real reason I started the blog was simply a spur of the moment decision - fueled also by my desire to type something out; thoughts in my head that I don't want to forget. And later, when I want to forget them, I'll be screwed.

And I'll admit, just the rhythmic typing of the Apple's keyboard brings a sort of relief. Typing is great, when it has nothing to do with work.

So here's a bit about me:

I'm 27, from Kansas City, MO.

I'm married to Ashley - a woman so out of my league that looking at us together proves without a shadow of a doubt that there is a gracious God in heaven who indeed loves me and has a great plan for my life (1st spiritual law - God has given me the greatest woman on earth to live my life with - 6 years married and still in love more each day. Man, that's cool).

I have 2 boys: Micah and Tyler. Micah and Tyler are without a doubt the best kids on the planet. 3 1/2 and 2. You can ask my wife, or her parents, or my parents, or my sisters. . .or anyone. To look at their picture brings such a sense of pride and wonder in me. I don't deserve them - but man I love them so much.

I'm a Christian, which really means that man I love Jesus Christ. I'd do anything for Him and I'm learning to trust Him more. I lead worship for a tiny church service who make up my spiritual family. I'm okay at the guitar.

I am in between jobs because I quit mine last week and will be done on July 26. Please note: I do not like office work. I'm about to start working construction - and I couldn't be happier.

My interests: hiking and camping, when I can; baseball, football, basketball; running, working out.

TV Shows: The Office, Scrubs, Arrested Development, 24, Lost, Grays Anatomy (for my wife).

Books: currently reading The Chronicles of Narnia.

My first post is done and I guarantee they won't be this long often.

I do have to admit, I have enjoyed posting the blog. . . .oh crap, am I now a blogger? One of "those people"?

Jeremy, why?